My birthday was not that long ago, and every year recently, around my birthday I start reevaluating my life. What do I want? What choices have I made that have landed me here? Where is here really? Is it ever really too much wine?

Mind wandering happens, odd connections are made, and then this:

I realized today that I am the lady who sleeps with all the guys, but in relation to my career.

So, here’s the deal. I’m smart. That’s generally a good thing. However, it means that I’ve been able to get pretty far down several different wrong paths based on intellect and talent. But there’s been no passion, no commitment, you could say.

Now, let’s think about the conventionally hot lady. All the guys want her, and she likes the attention and has a good time, kind of. But there’s no real passion, no commitment, you could say.

Having exceptional natural attributes of any kind can be phenomenal, but it can also create hazards for the beholder. And, I’m going to say that I am specifically writing this with women in mind. Believe it or not, there are ingrained mentalities and double standards that work against women in just about every facet of life. So, if you’re really pretty, and you date a lot, and you own your sexuality, you’re a slut. So, if you’re really smart, and you’re successful in school, you should be a (doctor, lawyer, politician, insert whatever profession someone is pushing you towards).

You have the ability to get pretty far before you realize you don’t like what or who you’re doing. So, you make a change. Well, damn, hard as it is, push as you may, you’re just not satisfied. You’re talented, you try one more position. Still not right. At this point, you start second and third guessing your choices.

I’m recently 31. As I’m writing this, I realize I’ve worked for over half my life. I’ve dated a ton of jobs, yall. I worked in restaurants, in education, as a journalist, in nonprofit outreach and fundraising, in education (again), for a government agency, in several different law offices, as a small business owner, and currently in an investigative role.

I pursued each and every path because I thought it was the right one. Different people and different environmental factors have influenced my decision making process along the way. Not undue influence, just influence. I’ve always made my decisions. But, I’ve felt the pressures of the opinions of family/friends/significant others/society.

After every interview (date), after every morning after (career change), I’ve changed and grown closer to becoming myself in my career. It has been messy, and there was some shame. I’ve learned that there was no reason for shame. I’ve learned to love my mess. One day I’ll find the right position.

I have the feeling it will be soon. Things are taking shape in a way they haven’t before. Maybe it is because I’ve made it back to my genuine self. Maybe it is because I’m opening myself to being open to following my impractical inclinations, and allowing my mind to wander in the natural and creative way it does.

Put judgment aside. Life’s a process. Let people figure out their own paths. Don’t expect each path to look the same. As a society, we’ve judged the pretty lady. If you’ve seen my resume, you’ve probably judged me. That’s unfortunate for you, because I’m pretty damn awesome.