I’ve applied for a job. It’d be a pay raise. It’d also be a promotion. And relocating to a city who’s cost of living is nearly three times my current city’s. And living apart from my husband for at least a year. But I haven’t been offered the job yet, rather I’m just working the process to see if they’re going to make an offer that makes it worth taking that path.

I chat with my mother by text rather frequently. Today she’s trying to coach me into thinking about big picture life things like babies. By text. And she’s sharing that she has no regrets from turning down jobs and choosing to be a SAHM for me. Because the economic situation she and my father were in is close to the situation my husband and I are in, so her choices should reassure me that it’s all going to work out if I exit the workforce or stay in my current job where there is no reasonably foreseeable possibility of promotion, pay raise, or even COLA.

I know that at some point my parents debt load exceeded $300,000. And they managed to put my brother through college and raise me. But most of their debt was mortgage. And the house was worth about three times my dad’s annual salary at the time they purchased the house. So within the conventional wisdom of managing finances.

My student loan debt alone is over $300,000. (Yes, I had scholarships, but it still turned out that high). I think there might’ve been an oops as the loans got shuttles from servicer to servicer, but I didn’t keep enough documentation to be able to prove that. And I can’t afford to hire a professional who knows how to track that stuff down and get it fixed. Then there is the credit card debt and the mortgage and the car payment. Plus my husband’s debt for his education. And my husband doesn’t make as much as my dad did. So, the end result is my mom has talked me out of having babies because there is absolutely no way I can afford them.

It’s hard to share the immensity of the problem in the first place. But even when I do, having to listen to experiences that completely fail to acknowledge the fundamental differences of our situations makes me cranky. But at the same time, I’m not sure I could handle a tough love of approach where she tells me I’ve made my bed and now I’ve got to sleep in it.