Travel never goes according to plan

November 8, 2014VentingtravelAlecto

It’s taken a while for me to decide I’m ready to write about this experience, but I went and interviewed for that job in a bigger city with the exorbitant cost of living. And then in was time to come home. Now the interview went well and it didn’t go well all at the same time. I met lovely people and heard about some exciting opportunities, but in the end the prospect of relocation and long distance marriage meant I was not capable of putting my best self forward. (My ability to compartmentalize my emotional life from my public life is adequate, but not stellar). In the end they gave the job to the other finalist and I think they made the right decision.

But this post isn’t about self-sabotage originating at the subconscious level, rather it’s about air travel NEVER going according to plan.

After the interview a car service took me immediately to the airport to wait for 3 hours for my domestic flight. But weather delays meant I waited for six hours and missed my connection. I got to my connecting city and there were no more flights to my home city, and all routes with an additional connection were booked. The airline gave me a coupon for “reasonably priced” accommodations that I got to pay for out of my own pocket.

I now know what bedbugs look like thanks to that reasonably priced accommodation. And three months later my bank account still hasn’t recovered from so many airport meals. Travel just never goes according to plan and I’m scheduled to travel twice at the end of this month. Heaven help me…

Get out of the car. It will change your life.

September 28, 2014Adviceangrytisiphone

I recently took a trip out of town, with two girl friends. While we were driving, we arrived on the scene of a very serious accident. Immediately after we stopped, I jumped from the car to see if I could help. Now, I have no true first aid or emergency training, but I spent some time in college as a rape/domestic violence companion. Which means I spent a lot of time at the hospital with hysterical women, while they met with doctors and police officers.

I had no idea how I was going to help the victims of this car crash, one of which was very very dead. But I felt the need to get out of the car. Turns out, I did help. One of the victims was a hysterical 18 year old girl. She was crying and screaming and starting to panic. Needless to say the male cop and other male “volunteer” had no idea how to even communicate with her. I took charge of her, truly I wanted nothing to do with the dead body and the emotional drain of third driver that killed him. So I talked to her. Asked her questions that were probably greatly annoying, but I got her to calm down and with help, I forced the door open to her car to get her out it. Then I sat with her, kept her calm-ish and kept her from using her very broken arm. I “helped” to an extent until the paramedics arrived. After the paramedics arrived, I left. I didn’t leaving my name or any information. When I got back in the car, the other ladies, which had never even removed their seat belts, were sitting kind of awe struck. One girl was crying, she was very clearly upset that someone had been injured in the wreck. The other girl upset that I had involved myself in something like “that”.

Now I was, still am, very confused by their reactions, it never crossed my mind to do anything other than get out to see if I could help. Even if the cop yelled at me to get back in the car, at a minimum, I would have a great story to pass on to my other friends. Please understand, I did not help because I wanted notoriety and I do not relay this story now because I want any kind of notoriety. I’ve thought about posting this story for a little while. How do I translate this experience into some kind of advice for others? My only response is get out of the car, it may change your life and then again, it may not, but you might get a really cool story out of it.

I don’t think that helping that girl and spending 45 minutes on the side of a road in Kansas has truly in any way changed my life, but I have a cool story to tell and maybe I changed someone else’s life. Maybe that stranger actually needed me to talk to her and open that car door, or maybe my cool story will inspire someone else to get out of the car, or volunteer with rape/domestic violence victims. Sometimes, the only thing people need is a calm soothing voice or a calm presence to sit quietly with them during those intense interviews where your entire world has fallen apart.

So get out of the car, doing something that you wouldn’t normally do. Help someone, help yourself, just get outside your comfort zone and live.

It is not ok for men to hit women, and it is not ok for women to hit men, it is not ok for women to hit women, and it is not ok for men to hit men.

September 10, 2014Current social issuesdomestic violence, footballagoodnemesis

I give exactly three fucks about football: (1) one Cowboys game a year, (2) Texas/OU, and (3) the Superbowl – but only for the food.

So, that’s why this whole player abusing his wife story is pretty new to me. I missed it, because, I miss most things about football, by choice. I wish I hadn’t missed it though, because this whole situation seems to be a giant case of mismanagement and horribles.

Basic thoughts:

(1) Violence against your partner is not ok. (Caveat: if you are defending yourself against violence by your partner, by all means, defend yourself.) It is not ok for men to hit women, and it is not ok for women to hit men, it is not ok for women to hit women, and it is not ok for men to hit men.

(2) Yes, men suffer abuse too. Stop dismissing that reality. I’m looking at you media, and your slight or nonexistent mentions of male victims of domestic violence.

(3) Victims stay with their abusers for a variety of reasons. If you’re part of the situation, you may understand the complexities of it, if you’re not, you probably don’t. The #whyistay conversation is amazingly powerful.

(4) It seems that the USA as a country still have a lot of people who hold the belief that domestic violence is a personal matter. I worked with a client who didn’t report her abuse in the US because when you reported an issue in her home country you were turned away. Her counselor had convinced her that that wouldn’t happen here. Sometimes, I’m not so sure.

(5) NFL – you screwed up when you only suspended the player for two games. Violence is violence, it shouldn’t make a difference if you say you didn’t have the full video, you publicly had a partial video account of the incident. The actions of this week were pretty obvious CYA even before the news came out that you had the whole video when you made the original disciplinary call.

I’ve slept with a lot of jobs

September 4, 2014Current social issuescareer, figuring it out, lifeagoodnemesis

My birthday was not that long ago, and every year recently, around my birthday I start reevaluating my life. What do I want? What choices have I made that have landed me here? Where is here really? Is it ever really too much wine?

Mind wandering happens, odd connections are made, and then this:

I realized today that I am the lady who sleeps with all the guys, but in relation to my career.

So, here’s the deal. I’m smart. That’s generally a good thing. However, it means that I’ve been able to get pretty far down several different wrong paths based on intellect and talent. But there’s been no passion, no commitment, you could say.

Now, let’s think about the conventionally hot lady. All the guys want her, and she likes the attention and has a good time, kind of. But there’s no real passion, no commitment, you could say.

Having exceptional natural attributes of any kind can be phenomenal, but it can also create hazards for the beholder. And, I’m going to say that I am specifically writing this with women in mind. Believe it or not, there are ingrained mentalities and double standards that work against women in just about every facet of life. So, if you’re really pretty, and you date a lot, and you own your sexuality, you’re a slut. So, if you’re really smart, and you’re successful in school, you should be a (doctor, lawyer, politician, insert whatever profession someone is pushing you towards).

You have the ability to get pretty far before you realize you don’t like what or who you’re doing. So, you make a change. Well, damn, hard as it is, push as you may, you’re just not satisfied. You’re talented, you try one more position. Still not right. At this point, you start second and third guessing your choices.

I’m recently 31. As I’m writing this, I realize I’ve worked for over half my life. I’ve dated a ton of jobs, yall. I worked in restaurants, in education, as a journalist, in nonprofit outreach and fundraising, in education (again), for a government agency, in several different law offices, as a small business owner, and currently in an investigative role.

I pursued each and every path because I thought it was the right one. Different people and different environmental factors have influenced my decision making process along the way. Not undue influence, just influence. I’ve always made my decisions. But, I’ve felt the pressures of the opinions of family/friends/significant others/society.

After every interview (date), after every morning after (career change), I’ve changed and grown closer to becoming myself in my career. It has been messy, and there was some shame. I’ve learned that there was no reason for shame. I’ve learned to love my mess. One day I’ll find the right position.

I have the feeling it will be soon. Things are taking shape in a way they haven’t before. Maybe it is because I’ve made it back to my genuine self. Maybe it is because I’m opening myself to being open to following my impractical inclinations, and allowing my mind to wander in the natural and creative way it does.

Put judgment aside. Life’s a process. Let people figure out their own paths. Don’t expect each path to look the same. As a society, we’ve judged the pretty lady. If you’ve seen my resume, you’ve probably judged me. That’s unfortunate for you, because I’m pretty damn awesome.

The difficulties of honest communication between adult children and parents

August 27, 2014VentingdysfunctionAlecto

I’ve applied for a job. It’d be a pay raise. It’d also be a promotion. And relocating to a city who’s cost of living is nearly three times my current city’s. And living apart from my husband for at least a year. But I haven’t been offered the job yet, rather I’m just working the process to see if they’re going to make an offer that makes it worth taking that path.

I chat with my mother by text rather frequently. Today she’s trying to coach me into thinking about big picture life things like babies. By text. And she’s sharing that she has no regrets from turning down jobs and choosing to be a SAHM for me. Because the economic situation she and my father were in is close to the situation my husband and I are in, so her choices should reassure me that it’s all going to work out if I exit the workforce or stay in my current job where there is no reasonably foreseeable possibility of promotion, pay raise, or even COLA.

I know that at some point my parents debt load exceeded $300,000. And they managed to put my brother through college and raise me. But most of their debt was mortgage. And the house was worth about three times my dad’s annual salary at the time they purchased the house. So within the conventional wisdom of managing finances.

My student loan debt alone is over $300,000. (Yes, I had scholarships, but it still turned out that high). I think there might’ve been an oops as the loans got shuttles from servicer to servicer, but I didn’t keep enough documentation to be able to prove that. And I can’t afford to hire a professional who knows how to track that stuff down and get it fixed. Then there is the credit card debt and the mortgage and the car payment. Plus my husband’s debt for his education. And my husband doesn’t make as much as my dad did. So, the end result is my mom has talked me out of having babies because there is absolutely no way I can afford them.

It’s hard to share the immensity of the problem in the first place. But even when I do, having to listen to experiences that completely fail to acknowledge the fundamental differences of our situations makes me cranky. But at the same time, I’m not sure I could handle a tough love of approach where she tells me I’ve made my bed and now I’ve got to sleep in it.

The Evils of Facebook

August 16, 2014Social Mediaangrytisiphone

Theoretically, we all know the benefits and evils of Facebook and other social media websites. But do we? We have entered an age of instant gratification. We want it now, have to have it NOW, or the world just might stop rotating. No one is taught to work hard or wait for their shit anymore. But that’s an argument for another day.

Facebook allows us to “engage” with people from the past and stay in contact with new friends and old alike. What it also allows us to do, is be needy self centered jerks that do not think about others and how our posts affect them. Now I’m not talking about post that concern you supporting your cause. If someone is honestly angry, because you support the “gay cause” or the Tea Party or the Whiteacre Hillbilly Farm, who gives a damn. We are fully entitled to believe what we want and support what we will. I will have more later on the gay cause, it is basic human civil rights people. You don’t stop getting equal protection because you are homosexual.

Anyway, Facebook evils. When you sit around all day, stalking people on Facebook, only to repost what’s happening, you are playing a dangerous game. Recently a good friend passed away, it was a weird medical fluke and she is gone. The worst part of the whole thing is that one of those ”

people”

with too much time on her hands, posted it to Facebook, tagging the dead girls family and close friends. I know what you’re thinking, ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME? Well it’s worse, her dad found about the death via that Facebook post.

The girl that posted the death details had no business posting it on Facebook. She was never good friends with the dead girl. She was just another Facebook friend. Posting girl went too far. The high school class the deceased girl graduated with could have waited an extra day to find out about the death, instead of instantly.

It is ridiculous and pathetic and just plain sad. So for all of us out there, learning hard news via Facebook, please just stop sharing and posting.

Raising the minimum wage

August 15, 2014Current social issuestools in congressAlecto

So, it’s kind of depressing that anyone who makes minimum wage and has to support additional people is living in poverty, or way below poverty if they’re in a high cost of living area. Seriously, look it up, unless you’re single without dependents, minimum wage pay is below the poverty line for the entire freaking country.

Some people are concerned that raising the federal minimum wage from $7.25 to $10.10 will hurt businesses (it certainly will make payroll hurt more for a while) and result in job loss (maybe, maybe not, it’s basically speculation at this point).

Maybe the solution is to have this conversation every two years instead of once a decade. There should be incremental raises of the minimum wage that correspond with the overall rate of inflation and growth of the economy. After all if congress deserves multiple raises within a decade, surely the people who are supposed to pay the taxes that support Congressional raises should make more money so they can pay more taxes…. Okay, so that line of reasoning got away from me and came out pro-government instead of pro-individual, but the point remains minimum wage needs to be evaluated frequently.

So, three years after the last increase in minimum wage it could have been increased to $8.50, and then three years after that to $9.75, and then this year to $11.00 without creating an economic “shock and awe” that rattles businesses, and leads to more people being able to buy the stuff that businesses sell on their own dime rather than the taxpayers. So many benefits from having frequent minimum wage conversations instead of waiting until it reaches damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t crisis levels.

But Alecto, didn’t you hear that the economy was bad? Yeah, I did. I lived through it too. And it’s still sluggish, but sacrificing the low income earners is what keeps it sluggish and increases the strain on various safety-net programs. People who don’t make enough money to invest spend all their money on rent and consumer goods. If they have more to spend, money keeps circulating in the economy so businesses stay in business.

So congress, pass a law that requires you to increase the minimum wage every time you increase your own salaries….

Like a Bad neighbor, we’re never there — or over commitment at a national level

August 10, 2014Current social issuesAlecto

The world has multiple humanitarian crises at the moment. There is the fighting in Gaza (when is there not fighting in Gaza?), there is Syria, there is an Ebola outbreak, there is the Ukraine, etc. Then there are the Central American CHILDREN who have risked life and limb, left everything they know and everyone they love, to try to seek ASYLUM here. In our country.

Asylum is a big deal ya’ll, and the most important of these crises for us to address as quickly as possible. Once we develop a plan and solution to provide for these children then we can focus efforts on the next most pressing crises and work our way down the list. These are not divide-and-conquer situations, most of them are unite-and-improve situations.

With respect to the children refugees, I would suggest the solution is not sending them back to raping, pillaging, and drug violence because we don’t want to plant the seeds for a wave of retributive semi-domestic terrorism in twenty years. If we send them back, some of these kids will survive, become war-hardened and focus efforts on those that did them wrong. We don’t need to creat a bin laden-like guerrilla leader on our southern border.

Our entire country was founded and developed by people trying to get away from persecution or war in their homelands. We did really bad things to native peoples in our quest to get away from bad things and create a society that provided safety for refugees whether they’re white, black, brown, yellow, or whatever other shade human skin tones come in. We cannot have a national mid-life crises and say, “I don’t want to do it anymore.” This is our identity and we must continue to provide sanctuary to peoples of different stripes and creeds.

We need to find ways to provide these children refuge with good shelter, healthy food, appropriate clothing, competitive education, and due process of law. We need to bring them into the fold and make them part of us. They’re children. Really brave children. Don’t punish them because they’re only children and can’t yet fix them problems in their home countries. They need our help. And they need it now.