This weekend I mentioned that I have a super seceret blog that I share with super seceret other people. This person told me that she too has a super seceret blog. And we didn’t tell eachother what these seceret blogs were, so they’re still secerets.
My question is, why do we feel the need to keep this seceret? We have those messy moments and thoughts we want to work through. We generally have the people with whom we are able or willing to share with. So why do we also need to post publicly and anonymously? Is it done with the greater hope that someone else, someone outside of our circle will read it and tell us it’s ok? Are we simply needing catharsis, and using this platform as a journal?
Since this is a super secret seceret, maybe I’ll never know….
All posts by agoodnemesis
Oh baby.
Every once in a while I get questions from my clients that throw me.
Today my intern was questioned about why she wasn’t married, and why she didn’t have babies. This intern, she’s amazingly intelligent. She’s a legal intern – one bar exam from becoming a fellow female attorney who I look forward to working with for a number of years. She’s also very personable and pretty.
Shock. Confusion. But you’re so nice. Seriously, you don’t have children? (Implied thought – so, what’s wrong with you??) Culturally it seems to be confusing when I say I have dogs. But, in all seriousness, we’ve been busy. I’m early 30s, as is another of my colleagues. Some of our clients are just a few years older and have teenagers. We have law degrees and careers. Next time someone asks about my kids, I’m going to start rocking my law degree. Maybe I’ll pair it with the licenses I have from two states. I have triplets.
This is not to be critical of women who choose to be mothers. Choice is what is important. I am actively making mine right now. This to me is why I identify as pro choice. No one else should be able to make decisions about my body. I love a good squishy baby, and a fun toddler giggle makes me smile. I love being an aunty, and I am thrilled for each of the new humans my friends bring to this world. I also love beer, traveling, and my career.
Well-behaved women
More and more it seems like my friends and I are becoming well-behaved. Not in the sense that we’re not being obxnious drunk girls or angry toddlers, but that we’re conforming. We’re becoming the people we once said we’d never become. We’re not there yet, and not all the changes are bad.
Age and experience. These are good teachers. But what if we can learn our lessons without compromising who we are?
Or is it just me that feels the creep of compromise? One more family engagement. Another explanation that I am not yet a parent to a human. One more time that I have to cover my tattoo. A second thought before I tell someone what I really feel. The concern about long-term ramifications of change.
I spent a refreshing weekend with people who seem to not be experiencing this creep of compromise. I felt more alive than I have in years. I felt a sadness in the leaving of the situation, and since leaving have a yearning to return.
Was it the situation? Celebrations are not every day life, of that I am very aware. But what if it were? What if every day was lived like a party -not that type of party-but simply full of energy and joy?
What would happen if we chose not to conform? What if we laughed too loud, took a leap of faith, and acted to make ourselves happy without the concern about long-term consequences, or how it might look to others?
Is it selfish or self-care? Age and experience haven’t taught me this lesson. Or maybe they have and I’m not yet ready for it. The feeling of creeping regret has become more heavy, and the desire to misbehave is strong.
As Laurel Thatcher Ulrich once said, “well behaved women seldom make history”.
It is not ok for men to hit women, and it is not ok for women to hit men, it is not ok for women to hit women, and it is not ok for men to hit men.
I give exactly three fucks about football: (1) one Cowboys game a year, (2) Texas/OU, and (3) the Superbowl – but only for the food.
So, that’s why this whole player abusing his wife story is pretty new to me. I missed it, because, I miss most things about football, by choice. I wish I hadn’t missed it though, because this whole situation seems to be a giant case of mismanagement and horribles.
Basic thoughts:
(1) Violence against your partner is not ok. (Caveat: if you are defending yourself against violence by your partner, by all means, defend yourself.) It is not ok for men to hit women, and it is not ok for women to hit men, it is not ok for women to hit women, and it is not ok for men to hit men.
(2) Yes, men suffer abuse too. Stop dismissing that reality. I’m looking at you media, and your slight or nonexistent mentions of male victims of domestic violence.
(3) Victims stay with their abusers for a variety of reasons. If you’re part of the situation, you may understand the complexities of it, if you’re not, you probably don’t. The #whyistay conversation is amazingly powerful.
(4) It seems that the USA as a country still have a lot of people who hold the belief that domestic violence is a personal matter. I worked with a client who didn’t report her abuse in the US because when you reported an issue in her home country you were turned away. Her counselor had convinced her that that wouldn’t happen here. Sometimes, I’m not so sure.
(5) NFL – you screwed up when you only suspended the player for two games. Violence is violence, it shouldn’t make a difference if you say you didn’t have the full video, you publicly had a partial video account of the incident. The actions of this week were pretty obvious CYA even before the news came out that you had the whole video when you made the original disciplinary call.
I’ve slept with a lot of jobs
My birthday was not that long ago, and every year recently, around my birthday I start reevaluating my life. What do I want? What choices have I made that have landed me here? Where is here really? Is it ever really too much wine?
Mind wandering happens, odd connections are made, and then this:
I realized today that I am the lady who sleeps with all the guys, but in relation to my career.
So, here’s the deal. I’m smart. That’s generally a good thing. However, it means that I’ve been able to get pretty far down several different wrong paths based on intellect and talent. But there’s been no passion, no commitment, you could say.
Now, let’s think about the conventionally hot lady. All the guys want her, and she likes the attention and has a good time, kind of. But there’s no real passion, no commitment, you could say.
Having exceptional natural attributes of any kind can be phenomenal, but it can also create hazards for the beholder. And, I’m going to say that I am specifically writing this with women in mind. Believe it or not, there are ingrained mentalities and double standards that work against women in just about every facet of life. So, if you’re really pretty, and you date a lot, and you own your sexuality, you’re a slut. So, if you’re really smart, and you’re successful in school, you should be a (doctor, lawyer, politician, insert whatever profession someone is pushing you towards).
You have the ability to get pretty far before you realize you don’t like what or who you’re doing. So, you make a change. Well, damn, hard as it is, push as you may, you’re just not satisfied. You’re talented, you try one more position. Still not right. At this point, you start second and third guessing your choices.
I’m recently 31. As I’m writing this, I realize I’ve worked for over half my life. I’ve dated a ton of jobs, yall. I worked in restaurants, in education, as a journalist, in nonprofit outreach and fundraising, in education (again), for a government agency, in several different law offices, as a small business owner, and currently in an investigative role.
I pursued each and every path because I thought it was the right one. Different people and different environmental factors have influenced my decision making process along the way. Not undue influence, just influence. I’ve always made my decisions. But, I’ve felt the pressures of the opinions of family/friends/significant others/society.
After every interview (date), after every morning after (career change), I’ve changed and grown closer to becoming myself in my career. It has been messy, and there was some shame. I’ve learned that there was no reason for shame. I’ve learned to love my mess. One day I’ll find the right position.
I have the feeling it will be soon. Things are taking shape in a way they haven’t before. Maybe it is because I’ve made it back to my genuine self. Maybe it is because I’m opening myself to being open to following my impractical inclinations, and allowing my mind to wander in the natural and creative way it does.
Put judgment aside. Life’s a process. Let people figure out their own paths. Don’t expect each path to look the same. As a society, we’ve judged the pretty lady. If you’ve seen my resume, you’ve probably judged me. That’s unfortunate for you, because I’m pretty damn awesome.
The Angry Ladies 